“F**K ME!!!!!, F**K MEEEEEE!!!” Don’t shake my hand!

Wash your hands

Don’t ask why; just wash your hands. If you are interviewing with a company, you must consider yourself a restaurant worker after you use the bathroom. Your mother told you to wash your hands every day growing up so that when you went out in public, it would be a natural habit. Good habits pay big rewards.

Picture this: I use our company restrooms and run into someone I don’t know coming out of the stall where “Number 2” business was just taken care of.  I say “hello”, he says “hello”.  It’s just a cordial, simple acknowledgment.  Introductions beyond “hello” for two strangers who just met in the restroom is just, well, “Creepy”. You don’t shake hands in a bathroom. I go about my business but can’t help but notice that he walked out of the restroom, breaking rule number 1. Wash your hands. We weren’t in the Creepy zone, but we just went into the “ick” zone.

Subconscious Score is slapping me in my face

I don’t think much about it, but I take a mental note. In the words of PMDude,  there is a ding on the “Subconscious Score,” but what do I care? I will probably never see this guy again.

Ten minutes later, I see “him” sitting in the lobby with the classic body language of a Johnny Candidate: restless, nervous, and bored. I also realize I have an interview at the top of the hour.

The scene from Pulp Fiction suddenly comes to mind. Uma Thurman just OD’d on John Travolta’s smack and is on her back, foaming at the mouth with eyes glazed over. Because Travolta was personally left in charge of Uma, all Travolta can think of is Ving Rhames (Uma’s boyfriend) ripping him apart limb by limb. John Travolta is pacing back and forth and screaming at the sky, “F**K ME!!!!!, F**K MEEEEEE!!!”

How important is a firm handshake?

How many articles are posted online about a firm handshake during an interview? Guess how many interview classes PRACTICE the interview handshake to make sure it is done correctly.

I hope to god that Johnny Candidate isn’t the candidate that I am scheduled to talk with. Hopefully, the candidate I am scheduled with is the cute one with the cool glasses, dark-fitted business suit, and great Manolo heels. Puhhlleasseee let it be her. Pleeeasssseee.

I check the schedule, and CRAP! I got Johnny. “Should have listened to Mom when she said to wash your hands.” Candidate.

HRNasty in on a game show

At this point, I am quickly moving into “Let’s make a deal” mode with the rest of the HR team.

• “Hey, uh, I got double booked. Can you do me a favor and take this interview? It’s easy peasy, and it’s an entry-level position, no problem.”
• “Oh wow. . . I’m sorry. I got slammed with this employee issue from Accounting. If you take this interview for me, I will buy you lunch tomorrow.”
• Hey there, wow, great suit! Is that new? It looks great on you. Uhh, I just got called up to see the big boss upstairs; I need you to take an interview for me. “
• “Hey there, I have two tickets to see Jay Z and Kanye on the floor in December. I can’t use them, but I just need you to take an interview for me”.
• “Hey there, wow, you are looking great today. Did you color your hair? The color is great on you! Do me a favor; Johnny Candidate is in the waiting room expecting an interview. Can you go out there and tell him I got sick and had to go home unexpectedly? We will have to reschedule the interview. Just apologize and send him home”.

P’s, Q’s, and T’s

Just because the interview didn’t start, trust me, as soon as you hit the parking lot, it started. Watch your P’s and Q’s, cross your T’s, and wash your hands.

Good Luck,

HRNasty

Nasty:  not washing your hands after taking care of Number 2.  an unreal maneuver of incredible technique, something that is ridiculously good, tricky and manipulative but with a result that can’t help but be admired, a phrase used to describe someone who is good at something.  “He has a nasty forkball”.

Next week, why brushing your teeth or crushing some (not one) breath mints can make or break an interview.

See you at the after party,

HRNasty 

nasty: an unreal maneuver of incredible technique, something that is ridiculously good, tricky, and manipulative but with a result that can’t help but be admired, a phrase used to describe someone good at something. “He has a nasty forkball”.

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