Are you getting the full story?

What Managers Taught Me — Including the Ones I Didn’t Respect

The best management lesson I ever received didn’t come from the best manager I ever had.

It came from watching someone do it wrong.

The Manager Who Told You Everything Was Fine

Early in my career, I had a manager who didn’t/couldn’t give real feedback. Not the kind that stings a little and then actually helps. Every check-in ended with some version of you’re doing great. Performance review? Great. Tight quarter? Still great. Company under pressure? Somehow, still great.

At the time, I thought I was doing really well — one of the top performers on the team.

What I didn’t know was that the feedback I was receiving privately wasn’t the feedback being shared in the room where it mattered. Working in HR has given me access to the private conversations with both the employees and the managers. Two very different sides of the same coin.

When opportunities came up, when salary adjustments were being considered, when someone’s name was being put forward — the gaps, the deficiencies, the things that could have been coached and corrected — those came up then. In a room I wasn’t in. At a moment when it was too late to do anything about it. And I had no idea.

Withholding hard feedback isn’t kindness. It’s avoidance dressed up as encouragement. And the employee pays the price, the company pays the price, and in the end, the manager pays the price — usually without ever knowing why.

The Manager Who Made It Hard

I had a manager I respected enormously at the time, and respect even more now.

He was direct, he pushed back, and he held a standard that didn’t move when things got hard. But I understood what he was doing. He wanted the best out of me. He wanted me to give the best to the company. And he had the skill to deliver that message without making it personal.

This was during a stretch when the company was struggling. Really struggling — resources “might not make payroll” tight, margin for coasting essentially zero.

Hard times have a way of forcing the work. When there’s no slack in the system, you don’t have the luxury of a comfortable solution. There are no resources. You come up with the hard one — or someone else does, and you watch. A manager who holds you to that standard and has the diplomacy to land the message without crushing you is giving you something most people never receive.

I learned more about grit, initiative, professionalism, and problem-solving in those years than in decades of comfortable employment. Not because I was exceptional. Because I was pressured, supported, and told the truth.

The Manager Who Was Weak — And Still Taught Me Something

Then there’s the third category. The manager who was in over their head — inexperienced, struggling, yet absolutely certain they were not just ready but exceptional. In reality, most people around them could see that progress was quietly moving backward. Which, frankly, is more common than anyone in HR likes to admit.

And it isn’t unique to business. You see this pattern in institutions, in organizations, in government. The scale changes. The dynamic doesn’t.

Here’s what most people miss: these managers still teach you. Just not always the lesson they intended.

Watching someone avoid a hard conversation, make decisions without analysis, or manage by mood rather than by standard is its own education — if you’re paying attention. You’re cataloging. Building a mental list: not this. Not this way. If I’m ever in this position, not like this.

That’s not bitterness. That’s the curriculum.

I sat across from managers early in my career and thought, if I ever get this chance, I am not going to do that. At the time, managing people felt like a pipe dream. That pipe dream became a career. And those moments became a standard I carried with me into every role that followed.

The Point

Your development isn’t a gift your manager gives you. It’s something you extract from the situation — whatever the situation is.

The strong manager in hard times gives it to you directly. That’s rare and worth recognizing when it happens. The weak manager doesn’t have the courage to give you feedback—and that’s still useful if you’re paying attention. The one who tells you everything is great when it isn’t? That’s the hardest one to learn from, because the lesson is buried: don’t become this person.

But before you write this manager off entirely, there’s one move worth trying. Conflict-averse managers often avoid feedback because they’ve framed it in a way that makes it hard for them to receive it. Telling someone they’re doing something wrong feels like a confrontation. Asking someone to try something differently next time is a conversation. Those are not the same thing — but to a manager who avoids friction, the difference is everything.

You can give this manager a lower-stakes entry point. Ask them directly: “Is there anything I could approach or try differently?” You’re not just inviting feedback — you’re making it easier for them to deliver it. And if you can help them see that developing you reflects well on them, you’re speaking a language they understand. A manager who improves their team gets credit for it. That’s not flattery. That’s giving someone a practical reason to do the right thing — and sometimes that’s enough to move the needle on professional courage. 

You will have all three managers over the course of your career. Probably more than once. 

None of them is wasted — unless you decide they are. 

See you at the afterparty,

HRNasty

nasty: an unreal maneuver of incredible technique, something that is ridiculously good, tricky, and manipulative but with a result that can’t help but be admired, a phrase used to describe someone good at something. “He has a nasty forkball”.

Ongoing writing and context live on LinkedIn and Bluesky.

**Did this article change how you see career decisions?**

Get Career Reality Updates from the other side of the management table.

Ringo Nishioka writes about how managers actually make career decisions inside organizations.