Do you have job search support?
I recently worked with a married couple where the Mr. Boomer Generation and Mrs. are unemployed. After they explained their story, I mentioned this post, and they encouraged me to post it. Some of what they shared was a theme I hear regularly from candidates looking for work:
- “I have no job search support.”
- “I feel all alone; I don’t want to tell anyone I am unemployed.”
- “My partner/parent does not understand what it is like to find a job in this economy.”
- My partner asked me, “What did you do all day?” when they came home from work.
Hoping this helps both parties
If your partner is looking for a job, I thought this might help clarify the fallacies for both parties because everyone needs job search support.
I have worked in HR a long time and I have seen a lot of relationships become strained when one partner is looking for a job and the other is gainfully employed. This phenomenon has happened more often in the last few years, especially if one person hasn’t had to look for a job since 2007. I thought the following might provide some context.
It’s not easy finding a job in any economy, but this economy is a real bitch. Here is the breakdown:
- The flood of talent: With more young people with less experience (which means lower salary requirements) and experienced workers (with higher salary requirements) who lost their retirement funds and still need to work. This generation is working where they would otherwise be retiring from the workforce.
- Economy: With fewer jobs and more candidates, this economy allows companies to be pickier than ever before.
- Technology: Looking for a job is no longer just opening a newspaper and typing up a resume. Candidates must be familiar with new technologies (social media, search engines, and online application forms) that have only become available in the last few years. If you haven’t had to look for a job in the previous 5-10 years, you missed the emergence of many new technologies.
Many candidates feel alone in their job search. It’s not intentional; it’s just habit. Recent generations haven’t experienced this type of employment market, and in the past, support wasn’t needed. Jobs came quickly.
I have noticed an inverse relationship between the length of the search and the amount of support provided. Support doesn’t just go down over time; it becomes a negative influence.
Most of us feel we should know how to interview because we have had success in the past (in a different economy), but it isn’t that simple. (SEE THIS POST on why it is so hard to find a job)
I help candidates with job interview skills, and when I send candidates home with interview questions or resume tips and suggest they practice with their partner, I usually get the following.
- “I couldn’t do that.”
- Why the Eff not?
- The Ocho Cinco “Child Please” look/response.
- Oh no, you didn’t!
- “They don’t know anything about interviewing; they can’t help me.”
- But they know how to listen.
Any of the above is my first tip: there is no job search support. When the partner isn’t involved or supportive, self-doubt will creep into the candidate’s mind. Over time, most candidates don’t even realize how beaten down they have become. Just like gaining a pound a month for 24 months, you wake up and realize you let your body and your confidence go to crap. As the recruiter interviewing your partner, I see it as plain as day.
What your partner needs more than ever is your support
If you cannot provide support, please be mindful of the rolling eyes, snide remarks, and the tone of your questions around the job search. Finding a job today is unlike finding a job 10 or 20 years ago. I know plenty of people who landed jobs 20, 15, and 10 years ago within a week. Now, they are having a tough time just landing an interview. It isn’t your partner’s fault; this economy is a big factor. Asking, “What did you do today?” while rolling your neck isn’t helping the situation. Rolling your eyes when you hear a response is a bitch move.
WORK AS A TEAM. You and your PARTNER signed up for a life together, through thick and thin, till death do us part. Practicing interview questions, resume reviews, and providing moral support are just a few of the areas that you can help with. If you feel that helping is like teaching your spouse to play golf and shouldn’t be attempted for the sake of your relationship, that is OK. Finding someone who can help is a form of job search support.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP YOUR PARTNER?
Share your personal and professional network with your partner. It surprises me how many people I work with do NOT leverage their partner’s network. Don’t be stingy with your network, doling out a single name here or there. Spill the entire Rolodex!
I repeatedly hear the following answer when I ask about the partner helping with the networking aspect of the job hunt.
- I don’t want to ask my partner for access to their network.
- Uhhh, Why the Eff not? You must not need a job badly enough.
- We know the same people.
- Uhhh, no you don’t.
- My partner doesn’t know anyone that is hiring.
- Uhh, they don’t have to know anything about hiring.
- My partner is a stay at home
- They probably know other soccer mom’s and other football dads
If you do nothing else, share your Rolodex with your partner
Most jobs are landed through networking. Introductions are a big difference between landing an interview and waiting by the phone. It’s not what you know; it’s who you know. Your partner’s job hunt is YOUR job hunt. Yes, as a couple, you have an immediate circle of friends you both know, but the buck stops beyond that immediate circle. Both partners have different interests, other friends, and various job histories. It only takes one person to forward the resume to the right person, and they don’t even have to work in your industry. You don’t need to know anyone hiring, and you don’t even need to be working. You have friends who work for hiring companies. Most companies offer their employees a referral bonus for hired employees. Your network WANTS to see your partner’s resumes.
What else can you do?
- Don’t be embarrassed for your partner. This economy has affected millions of individuals worldwide through no fault of his or her own. Recognize that it isn’t your partner’s fault. Let your network know that your spouse is seeking “new opportunities.” “My deadbeat husband is on the couch watching Maury Povich; he can’t find a job” doesn’t count as support.
- Give constructive feedback if your partner asks you to review their resume for typos. Avoid ticking off every mistake with a red marker as if you are the teacher and they are in the 2nd grade. Make suggestions vs. pointing out errors. Typos are the number one resume killer.
- If they want to practice interview questions with you, don’t hesitate. Don’t practice just once; practice till the answers are polished. It isn’t the person who is the most qualified to land the job; it is the candidate who is the most prepared for the interview and who lands the job. If you are not the right person to practice with, maybe you know someone who will practice with your partner.
There is a saying in the world of recruiting
It is easiest to get a job when you have a job. Why? Because when you have a job, THERE IS NO PRESSURE. When candidates don’t worry about blowing an interview because they have a fallback plan, they perform better in the interview. If the candidate doesn’t have a paycheck, bills are piling up, and they know their partner is going to add additional pressure with a dirty look when they come home, that is the shits. Don’t be shitty.
See you at the after party,
HRNasty
nasty: an unreal maneuver of incredible technique, something that is ridiculously good, tricky and manipulative but with a result that can’t help but be admired, a phrase used to describe someone who is good at something. “He has a nasty forkball”.
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Michael Rubio
February 15, 2013Back in 2010 I suffered a HUGE career setback that went from bad to worse and kept me unemployed for 11 months. I had to take an entry-level job at a call center to acknowledge I was at rock-bottom after losing a high-level civil service job. (I’m well on my way back)
I’m not going to accuse my wife of getting in the way of my job search and recovery, but this post really rings true for me. I wish this kind of advice was available to us back then.
Last year, she was under threat of having to switch careers (she recovered), and while I was more than available and worked on her CV (I still am the one who updates it for her), I could have done better by following the advice here during that stressful time.
Sarah Miller
February 12, 2013This is super spot on. Through personal experience, a secondary effect is the masculine/feminine politics, that although awful and incorrect, still manage to stick around in the back of your head. Males get very little pleasure being supported by their female partner, they may even feel resentful. Females get frustrated by providing for their supposed provider, who probably hasn’t taken over her other tasks while she is working (i.e. house cleaning). None of it’s right, but it can still lurk deep in the dark corners of a tense relationship.
Finally, one thing that should be accepted in this economy, is that their employment stature may never return. Your partner may end up working in a job far below their abilities, just so that they can be employed. Personally, it makes me love the person even more who is willing to work in anything just so they can contribute to the relationship – but others may soon find the ugly question of “when are you going to get a proper job?” being asked.
It’s all really hard work on both sides. A lot of sympathy for each other is pretty much the only way to avoid resentment. Neither the employed or unemployed person is winning, but it can be easy to forget from both vantage points!
HRNasty
February 16, 2013Sarah,
Thanks for stopping by as always, I could have sworn I responded here earlier. . .not sure what happened. Thank you for saying what I as a “male” had a hard time articulating and ended up leaving out. (probably my overly sensitive HR side, not wanting to speak to what I haven’t experienced) I didn’t want to speak on behalf of females being frustrated or resentful with their help being rejected. I think you captured the point perfectly and we men should realize that a relationship is a team effort and we both help each other when the chips are down. Thanks for speaking up!